Like Herding Cats

When I tell people that I'm not good with children, they always laugh at me. But I mean it.

Oh, sure, I can handle my own kids, but when it comes to other people's children, I am at a complete loss. Which is why when I told my friend that I would be helping out in my son's Kindergarten class today, he actually laughed at me.

He laughed at me!

The truth is that I am scared of children. I really am. You just never know what they are going to say or do. They're kind of like animals that way.

I'm always afraid that like dogs, children can sense my fear. I'm scared that some day they are going to realize that there are twenty of them and only one of me. I may have the superior intellect, but they have mob mentality. They could subdue me if they just realized that all of my power and authority is an illusion.

And if they don't try to overthrow me, they could do something worse. They could smother me in hugs and affection.

I actually Oprah hugged a child today!

You know what that is, don't you? It's when Oprah thwarts a would-be hugger by grabbing their outstretched hands and sort of shaking them.

I don't know why I did it. A four-foot-tall sweetie in a hair bow came at me for a hug and I panicked. This is what I get for being raised in New England. My people don't hug.

I was terrorized going into that classroom today, but I must admit that the time flew by and I actually had fun.

I was just as shocked as anyone.

Clearly my son's teacher and our school's staff have that program running like a well-oiled, exceptionally caring machine. Throwing a complete rookie like me into the gears barely created a hiccup.

I'll even go on record and state that I'd be happy to help out in the classroom again.

This time I'll practice my hugging technique before I go in. That Oprah hug exposes too much of my soft underbelly.